


a fight to hold on (and to let go)

by LiveLaughLovex



Category: The Code (TV 2019)
Genre: Gen, Minor John “Abe” Abraham/Alex Hunt, Minor Trey Ferry/Nona Ferry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-24
Updated: 2019-07-24
Packaged: 2020-07-12 16:33:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19949374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LiveLaughLovex/pseuds/LiveLaughLovex
Summary: Abe returns from visiting DeMarcus Dixon’s widow and considers what he wants his own future to be.





	a fight to hold on (and to let go)

**Author's Note:**

> The title comes from a quote by Mareez Reyes. Also, for any Alex x Abe shippers, they do break up in this. Sorry.

DeMarcus Dixon’s widow sobs when he tells her the story of her husband’s final moments. He has no words to say to her, nothing to lessen the pain she’s had to endure for the past nine years. There is nothing he can do to change what happened in that field almost a decade earlier. He cannot bring back the husband he’s responsible for her losing.

She doesn’t say much, doesn’t blame him at all. When he stands to leave, she grabs his hand and thanks him for telling the truth, a courtesy she has been denied by so many others. That alone makes the trip more than worth it.

He and Alex don’t talk much on the flight home. Alex mentions taking the girls out for pizza when they get back to Virginia. Abe nods in agreement, but that’s about all he does. Alex sighs and shifts in her seat, knowing better than to push him. He’s grateful for that, honestly. He doesn’t know if he’d be able to able to handle an emotionally-charged conversation at the moment.

“Dani’s got her recital this Friday,” Alex murmurs a few minutes before they land. “She asked me to remind you. She really wants you there.”

“I’ll be there,” he promises, smiling halfheartedly. “Wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

“Good,” Alex sighs, her eyes drifting shut as she leans back against the headrest. “I’m sorry, Abe,” she says finally, her eyes full of guilt as they meet his. “I never should’ve asked for your help with the case. If I hadn’t...” She trails off with a shrug. “I’m just sorry.”

“It’s fine,” he replies, staring straight ahead. “Or it’s not okay, but it’s... it was inevitable,” he settles on. “I wasn’t going to turn my back on Jason, and the Corps was never going to turn its back on the code. The second Swillice approached you, there was really only one way this was going to go.”

“Since when do you think anything’s inevitable?” Alex asks teasingly, tilting her head to stare up at him.

He shrugs, staring straight ahead. “Too many bad things have happened to good people for me to think life’s about choices. It’s based on chance.”

Alex stares at him for a moment. “You’ve never said anything like that before.”

“I’ve never believed it before,” he replies honestly. “But, Alex, c’mon. It could have just as easily been me in that field nine years ago. I made all the calls that night. I deserved the torture and the death he got. But I’m here. I’m alive. And there’s an eleven-year-old boy in Iowa who’s never going to know his father. That never would’ve been my choice.”

Alex glances away with a heavy sigh. “I’m never going to understand any of you, am I?” she asks after a moment. “Marines, I mean.”

“No,” he answers honestly. “No, you’re probably not.”

The few remaining minutes of their flight pass in absolute silence.

-

He ends up at Trey and Nona’s place that evening instead of going home with Alex, mostly because one of Jason’s relatives is in town and he’s pretty sure she doesn’t like him as a person any more than she appreciates his relationship with his best friend’s recent widow. He can’t exactly blame her. He doesn’t particularly like the version of himself he’s become recently, either.

Trey opens the door with a tired smile, inviting him in and offering tea or coffee. Abe accepts the latter, then glances around his friend’s living room in search of the older man’s wife.

“She’s upstairs,” Trey explains, returning from the kitchen with two mugs. He presses one into Abe’s hands. “Taking a shower. We’re having waffles for dinner, though. She’s going to insist you stay.”

“How’s she doing?” Abe asks, setting his mug on the nearest table. “Have the doctors...”

Trey shrugs. “She went in yesterday. They think - it was just something that was always going to happen. And multiple pregnancies have a higher risk of miscarriage, so...”

Abe closes his eyes briefly, guilt once again coursing through his veins. “I’m sorry, man.”

“Thank you,” Trey says quietly, smiling sadly. “But we’re trying to stay positive. We still have time.”

“Of course you do,” Abe agrees immediately. “You both deserve a whole slew of kids running around this place. It’s going to happen for you.”

“And I suppose one of those kids is going to be named after you?” Trey asks rhetorically, smiling amusedly as he lifts his own mug to take a sip.

“There’re several female forms of John,” Abe replies. “If you didn’t want to take the Abe route with a little girl, I mean.”

Trey raises a curious brow. “How do you know that?”

“Harper got bored on her flight to SERE,” Abe supplies with a shrug.

“Ah.” Trey shakes his head, smiling wryly at the mention of their team’s newest member. “How’s she doing out there, by the way?”

“She loves it,” Abe informs his friend. “She’s in her element out there. She’s finding her footing within the Corps. I’m proud of her.”

“Of course you’re proud of her. You’ve gone from being her worst critic to her biggest cheerleader,” Trey points out dryly. “I’m glad she’ll be back in a few weeks. Perhaps beating you will become a challenge again when she’s back to being your co-counsel.”

“I’d argue, but...” Abe trails off. “The last one went to Harvard, you know,” he offers a moment later.

“Did he graduate from Harvard?” Trey questions incredulously. “Because if that’s the case, I feel it no longer has any right to consider itself an Ivy League institution.”

“Stanford let him do his undergrad there,” Abe returns.

“Well, then, they should be equally ashamed.”

Abe’s response is cut off when Nona makes her way down the stairs, dressed comfortably in jeans and a striped blouse. Her hair is pulled away from her face in a bun, and while sadness lingers in her eyes, there’s a sparkle present that hadn’t been there when Abe last visited. He’s beyond relieved to see it.

“I’ve got the waffle maker ready, sweetheart,” Trey tells her. “If you’re ready to eat.”

“Always,” she returns laughingly. “Abe, you’re staying for dinner, aren’t you?” Though she voices it as one, it’s not really a question.

“Yes, ma’am,” he assures her, allowing her to lead the way to the kitchen. “Can I help?” he asks after claiming the seat next to Nona at the bar.

“Sorry, Abe, but it’s my mother’s recipe. I already broke the rules by sharing it with Trey.” She smiles when he rolls his eyes good-naturedly. “How are you?” she asks a moment later.

“I’m good,” he replies, meaning the words for one of the first times since Double D’s death. “How’re you?”

“Good,” she murmurs, smiling softly over at him. “Trey told me what you said to him. I just want you to know - that means a lot, coming from you.”

“I meant it,” he tells her. “You both deserve every good thing the world has to offer. You’ll get it, and you’ll get it soon.”

“And I’ll pester Trey into naming one of them after you,” Nona returns amusedly.

“Thank you,” Abe replies, smirking over at his friend when the older man rolls his eyes. “It’s two against one now, man.”

“It’s three against none,” Trey corrects. “If Nona says it, then it’s law. You’ll learn that yourself one of these days.”

Abe passes the plate Trey hands him over to Nona, along with the butter and syrup. “Maybe I will,” he allows. “Or maybe I’ll be Cool Uncle Abe for the rest of my life.”

“Well,” Nona sighs happily, drowning her waffles in syrup and then eagerly cutting into them, “I’m thinking either one’s a good option for you.”

“Yeah,” Abe murmurs in agreement. “I think so, too.”

He spends the rest of the meal watching the two other people at the table interact, watching them smile and laugh and joke. There’s still pain in their gazes, still something broken in their expressions when they glance at the fridge and see that first ultrasound, the one neither’s had the heart to take down, but they’re doing their best. They’re moving past the agony, accepting the past for what it is and getting on with their lives.

Abe’s fought in wars. He’s stared down the wrong end of a sniper’s rifle and lived to tell the tale. But he doesn’t know if he’ll ever be brave enough to do what his friends have. He doesn’t know if he’ll ever be brave enough to let go.

He says his farewells, and then he leaves. The car is absolutely silent on the drive to Alex’s. His mind never is.

-

“Hey,” Alex says happily, greeting him at the door with a kiss to the cheek. “I didn’t know you were going to stop by tonight. Don’t worry, though; she left an hour ago,” she adds, leading him into the living room. “How’re the Ferrys doing?” she asks a moment later, settling on the sofa and gesturing for him to claim the cushion next to her.

“They’re good,” he replies. “They’re - well, they’re grieving, but they’re coping. They’re doing their best to move forward.”

“That’s all you can do,” Alex sighs.

Abe nods silently. “Did we even try?” he asks after a moment.

“To do what?” she replies confusedly.

“To move forward,” he clarifies, shaking his head when Alex continues to eye him with confusion. “I was Jason’s best friend,” he reminds her. “And you - you were his wife.”

“I don’t - what’re you saying?” she asks softly, though the look in her eyes - that glint of loss, of pain - tells Abe she’s not entirely clueless.

He shrugs helplessly. “I don’t know. I’ve - I’ve been around since Dani was little, Al. And I’ve always thought you were beautiful, but I never thought about you in that way. And it wasn’t because you were Jason’s wife and off-limits: it was because you were my friend.” He sniffs once, then glances away. “I’ve been thinking a lot about everything that’s happened in the last few years. I thought it was the guilt over what’d happened to Double D at first, but... Alex, we’re frozen,” he tells her softly. “In time. We’re not moving. We’ll never be able to, if we don’t let go of the past.”

“We’re not stuck in the past,” Alex argues weakly. “We’re trying to build a future.”

He smiles sadly. “A future where you’re a Marine’s wife again? One where there’s always going to be a chance that I won’t walk back through that door one night?” He shakes his head. “I want better for the girls. I want better for you. You shouldn’t have to worry like that again, Alex. Jason wouldn’t want you to. I don’t want you to.”

“What about what I want?” Alex snaps after a few seconds pass in silence.

“Alex,” he murmurs gently. “If I wasn’t someone you’d known for years - someone you only ever knew as Jason’s friend - would we be here right now?”

“I don’t know,” she admits quietly. “But I’m not disappointed that we are.”

“Neither am I,” he replies. “I don’t regret it. We’ve done each other a lot of good. But I think - I think we need to accept that we’re both broken people, and maybe our role was to piece each other back together again.”

“To heal each other, so we can find what we’re meant to find,” Alex suggests softly, wiping away a tear when he nods once. “I don’t want to think we’ve used each other here, Abe.”

“We didn’t,” he tells her. “We helped each other.”

“And now, what, it’s fine we help ourselves?” She scoffs humorlessly. “Dani’s dance recital on Friday,” she says after a moment. “Can you still make it?”

“Yeah,” he promises. “I’ll be there.”

“Great.” She sniffles once more, wipes away another tear. “I - I still want you around, but I want you to leave now, please.”

“Okay,” he agrees, standing from the couch and heading for the door. “I can do that. I - call if you need anything for the girls,” he requests.

She simply nods. She says nothing more as he leaves the living room and walks through the front door.

Despite the fact that he’s the one who suggested it, something feels shattered within him as he heads for the truck. One thought sticks with him as he drives home, however: sometimes, in order for a bone to heal correctly, it must first be broken once more.

**Author's Note:**

> I’m sorry if anyone was upset by the breakup, but I’ve got to be honest here. I wasn’t much of a fan of the ‘war hero hooks up with dead best friend’s widow and helps raise their kids’ storyline when they did it on Chicago Med, and I’m even less of a fan of it on this show. So, like, I had to. Sorry.
> 
> I’ve also just learned CBS canceled the show after only one season, which is - I’m not thrilled about it, obviously. I fell in love with this show from the first episode. It inspired me mere episodes in to write, when most shows have to go on for seasons before I get to that point. It introduced absolutely beautiful friendships, both on-screen and off, and dealt with hard, important issues in ways most shows in this day and age still don’t. It gave a lot to its fans, and I’m sad to see it go.


End file.
